What makes children better at listening? What works better than a megaphone, better than an industrial-strength cotton Q-tip, better than the words “more birthday cake, anyone?”
In the past, I’ve tried playing the “The OK Game” with my kids to build their motivation and remind them to say “OK!” more often when I ask them to do something reasonable. I’ve heard great feedback from other parents who use this game, because it can change a child’s behaviour very quickly by highlighting the positive. I even heard a wonderful story from a German mother who made up her own version called “Ja Mama!”
However there’s an even simpler way to get more YES in your life. It’s all about HOW YOU ASK the questions.
Here are four tips you can use to get your message across loud and clear every time. Use them, and look forward hearing to the two most beautiful words in the English language: “OKAY, MOM!”
Better listening in The “OKAY” Zone
Why do children seem to be hard-of-hearing when parents call instructions from the kitchen, from upstairs, or even from across the room? One theory: plausible deniability. Another possible explanation is that you are outside the OKAY-ZONE.
If you have a question or an instruction for your child, you will find that you get different levels of cooperation, depending on where you are when you ask the question!
Here’s the OPTIMAL OKAY-ZONE: Before you ask your child to do something, get in front of them, get down to eye level, look in their beautiful eyes, and ask with a smile.
Why? Because when we practice, we get better. Unfortunately, this works for all kinds of things. When our child practice ignoring us, they get better at it! When we place ourselves in the OKAY-ZONE, we can practice cooperation and chip away at that frustrating selective-hearing habit. (Bonus: this may work for spouses too!)
Keep it Short and Sweet
To maximize your chances of cooperation, minimize the length of your question. Five words or less is ideal. When your request is very simple and specific, you have a better chance at cooperation.
Requests that fizzle:
“Time to get ready!”
(not specific enough!)
“Could you please go upstairs and find a shirt and then bring it to your brother, so I can finish making your lunch, and also do you want a cheese sandwich today?”
(too long!)
“Please put down the video game and pack your backpack.”
(too many challenging steps!)
Try these short, simple requests instead:
“Put your hat on, please!”
“Come sit at the table.”
“Socks on your feet!”
Offer a Choice
Let’s face it, the choice isn’t between “Yes” or “No.” We want the answer to be “Yes!” every time! Instead, the choice is “this way” or “that way.”
Offering a choice can help you get a win-win result, by giving your child the sense of control, and no matter what they choose, you’re happy too.
If you haven’t used choices before, here are some handy examples you can use:
- When? Would you like to do this in two minutes, or five minutes?
- How fast? Do you want to get dressed very fast, or very slow?
- Which? Do you want to carry this backpack, or carry your snowpants?
Mix It Up
For the best possible chance at first-time listening, we have to give our kids lots of variety when we speak to them. If we get stuck giving only instructions and corrections, our kids may start to tune us out.
Pretend for a moment that your phone had a special chime that makes “DING!” sound every time your boss sends an email. Your response to the DING sound depends on what kind of boss you have.
Case 1: Your boss is pretty typical, business-like, sort of on your case a lot. You don’t hear much unless there’s something you’re supposed to do, or something you’ve done wrong. Every few hours, it’s DING! Do this, please! Then it’s DING! Why isn’t this done yet? DING! I need you to re-do that. How do you think you will start to feel about that DING? Would you be tempted to just mysteriously lose your phone or turn off notifications, because you know it’s going to be something annoying?
Case 2: Your boss gets a promotion, and is replaced with someone a little more progressive. They’ve read some books on management, so they have a different style. With this new boss, it’s DING! “Which project would you rather work on?” and DING! “I’m ordering in coffee, want a latte?” and even DING! “Happy Friday! I’m closing the office at 3 o’clock today! Have a great weekend!”
How do you feel about that DING sound now? You might even be excited to open your phone and see what the message is!
If your child has been ignoring you or refusing to cooperate, you might be able to perk up those litle ears a bit by sprinkling some surprising and fun pieces of information among the instructions and corrections.
These tips are even more powerful when used together! Start by trying one, then come back and refresh, using any of the following:
- Remember to get into the OKAY-ZONE
- Keep it SHORT and SWEET
- Offer a CHOICE
- MIX it up!
Now that you’ve listened to me, I want to listen to you!