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“I tried and I tried and I didn’t give up!”

When my 5-year-old son said this out loud the other day (brand new yo-yo in hand and very little aptitude or previous experience), I just about did back-flips. I’ve been quietly brainwashing (ahem, I mean) coaching and teaching this concept very deliberately for as long as I’ve been a mom and it’s so exciting to see it finally sinking in.

Note: this is a long one! If you need the super-short version, I made you a PDF summary so you can keep it on your fridge:

Growth mindset

In 2006, Carol Dweck published the results of her research in the book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. A friend described the basic concepts to me after hearing some of my tales of childhood giftedness and under-achievement, and it stopped me in my tracks (by the way, thank you, Bill, you have no idea what that moment meant to me.)
These days, I share what I have learned about growth mindset whenever I meet a client who is discouraged, anxious or stuck. This message is particular important for teens, for young people who are gifted or those with learning disabilities or ADHD (this might sound more like traditional psychology than behaviour at first, but stay with me, I promise I’ll get there.)

growth mindset at home

Here’s the idea in a nutshell: The growth mindset is a set of beliefs that helps people to be resilient, dedicated learners.

Practice, grow and succeed!

If you believe that the mind is a muscle to be strengthened and that practice is an essential stage to mastery, then you will experience se

tbacks as temporary, and maybe even as learning opportunities. I think most of us would agree that this is a powerful idea, but a simple one. Why bother writing a whole blog post about it?

Fixed mindset

Carol Dweck found that teachers and parents can use language that encourages a growth mindset, but she also demonstrated that the opposite is true: some kinds of messages can lead to rigid, anxious thinking about performance and ability. Unfortunately, those messages are extremely common, and here are some well-meaning examples:

  • Wow, you’re so smart! You did that without even trying!
  • You did that so quickly, how clever of you!
  • You’re such a natural athlete/artist/mathematician/whatever!

The wrong kind of praise

These seem like kind, encouraging things to say, but unfortunately, the messages can have the opposite effect.
• When children hear praise for learning things easily, how will they respond when the learning curve gets steeper?
• If children hear praise for effortless performance, what’s the incentive to practice?
• When children find it hard to reach the next stage of achievement, will they still believe in themselves as a “natural” talent?
Carol Dweck designed some brilliant experiments to test her theory, and she showed that a teacher’s remarks could significantly change her students’ willingness to take on new challenges, even in a single session. Children praised for natural talent played it safe. Children praised for effort wanted to keep flexing those muscles.

My story

growth mindset amelia

Here’s how it worked out for me, and why I’m such a big supporter of the Mindset approach:

My parents, like all parents, saw a spark in their child and did their best to nourish it. They stocked the house with fascinating books and always made time for deep conversation when I asked (even after bedtime). I was sent to lessons and camps, and provided supplies whenever I expressed an interest in a skill. They expressed their faith in me, and lovingly described the potential they saw. They used glittering words like “brilliant” and I loved it.
My teachers used a different set of words and phrases, and they echoed throughout my report cards each year: “needs to apply herself.” I shrugged it off. Why did I need to apply myself if I was already smart? I found just about everything easy… at first.

I effortlessly picked up new skills, but I lacked focus, determination, and follow-through. I ignored homework and had no interest in finishing projects once I started them. In fact, the idea of finishing something filled me with a kind of dread.

  • What if I finish this, and it’s not great?
  • Why does this feel difficult? Does that mean I’m not smart?

It was so much nicer to stay comfortable and to do things that made me feel smart, instead of truly challenging myself and feel that mental stretch as I ventured outside my comfort zone. Difficult tasks made me feel anxious, so I tended to procrastinate and avoid them. I told myself I could certainly do them, I just didn’t feel like it.

Stepping out of the fixed mindset

When my friend Bill first mentioned the Mindset concept to me, I was in my late twenties. I had scraped through an undergraduate degree, I had no academic achievement to be proud of, and my career was in limbo. I desperately wanted a Master’s degree so I could advance in the field of Applied Behaviour Analysis, but I was not ready to take the next step.
When I heard about the fixed mindset, I immediately recognized that fearfulness in myself and it all made sense. I was lucky enough to find a great art therapist around that time, and although I had asked her to help me work on emotional questions, she was a very practical person, and she challenged me to finally get started on pursuing my dreams.

The taste of real success

So I did. I enrolled in some classes to prepare for my Master’s application and I set out to earn some very high grades in order to boost my GPA. This required intense amounts of studying. I did rely on excessive amounts of Coke Zero and dark chocolate to fuel me at first, and I remember how my heart fluttered each morning (note: looking back, was that anxiety or caffeine?) but I started to get the results back, and for the first time, I was proud of myself for actual achievement, not just for my potential.

plant growth mindset

Putting growth mindset to work for your children

So, what does this mean for us parents? How does all this thinking and feeling translate into behaviour?
First of all, you can work on labelling achievement in a different way.

  • When an athlete or musician performs an incredible feat, you can either focus your attention on his or her natural greatness (fixed mindset) or the hours of practice it took to get there (growth mindset.)
  • Even more importantly, when you label your own behaviour, make sure you don’t describe your abilities as limited (e.g., “I’m just not a very good tennis player. I don’t have the knack.”) Instead, make the connection between effort and outcomes: “I haven’t practiced this very much. I need to work on that if I want to get better.”
  • Next, and this is critical, try to catch yourself when you praise your child, and make sure you are rewarding persistence and courage (no matter what the results.)
  • When your child is struggling, remind him or her: “Your brain is a muscle, and it needs some training to grow. Let’s keep practicing.”
  • When your child succeeds, recognize what it took to get there: “Amazing work! You didn’t give up, and you really focused on what you were doing!”

If we reward only achievement, then our children may refuse to participate in opportunities where success is not guaranteed.
If we reward determination and hard work, behaviour science tells us that we are likely to see more of it.

If you are interested in learning more about the amazing side-effects of growth and fixed mindsets (honesty versus dishonesty, self-improvement versus denial) this is a great website that goes into more detail: http://www.teachthought.com/learning/25-simple-ways-develop-growth-mindset/

If you want to put these ideas into action right away, and you could use some specific examples, here’s that handy link again:

 

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