Building independence: How do I deal with helplessness?
My child won’t do anything without constant support and reminders!
Mom, can you pull my pants down?
I need you to feed me!
I don’t know how to put my socks on!
Can you put my shoes on?
Carry me! I can’t walk!
This kind of helplessness can create an awkward choice: do you just jump in and help because it’s faster and easier, or do you refuse and risk a long and frustrating power struggle?
“I know you can do it!”
“I’m not your slave!”
“You’re not a baby anymore!”
I know I’ve said some of these things, and I’m pretty sure none of them worked. So what’s going on? Why do children act this way, and how do we get past it?
Why do children act less capable than they are?
- Habit and routine: you’ve always done it, and sometimes it’s hard for kids to change familiar and comforting rituals
- Attention: what better way to get you up close and personal than to have you tie a shoes or zip a jacket?
- Power: watching a big powerful adult obey instructions can be a rush!
- Avoidance: some tasks are just boring, so why shouldn’t someone come and make it easier?
How do we get past this?
When you reach a point where you want to see progress, here are some techniques to try:
Chaining
If your child is giving up easily, chaining can be a really helpful technique. For example, if your child can’t seem to get dress independently, you might be stuck waiting around in despair, or giving up and just dressing them yourself. Chaining can give you a nice compromise: you take it step-by-step, and add independence one step at a time.
For example, if you are helping your child get dressed, you might agree to put on shirt and underwear for them, and then hand them their pants and socks. In extreme circumstances, you might have to start by letting them just pull up their pants and socks, and then slowly add in the next step after a few days.
You can ask your child to take the first step independently (forward chaining) or the last step (backward chaining.) Either way, you skip the negotiation and whining, and add responsibility little by little.
Add some motivation
· If there is a particular skill you would like to see your child master, a reward chart can help set a clear expectation and boost your child’s motivation. With practice, the skill will become more of a habit, and you won’t need to reward them forever.
I happen to LOVE creating reward charts, so if you want to learn all about them, you can check out this MEGA blog post, or look at my Instagram page for examples of my work!
Delegate your reminders
What if your child doesn’t ask for help, but just procrastinates and ignores your instructions?
Instead of hovering and repeating instructions, there are amazing visuals and apps that will do the job for you. As adults, we use Google Calendar or to-do lists to remind us of what we need to do next, so why not put some of that technology to work for our kids!?
I’ve worked with families who use tools like Fitbit to vibrate and help the child wake up on his own, or even little backpack zipper charms (check out this amazing strategy!)
Here’s a post I wrote about visual schedules that might spark your imagination!
Little by little
Help our children with independence is a job that will take a lifetime. These little steps might not seem significant, but it all adds up! As you go, you will teach responsibility and independence (and while you’re at it, you will experience more freedom and less whining!)
If you want to read more, check out the first post in this series!