“Just doing it for attention” The most common piece of advice you’ll get is this: “just ignore it.”
We’ve all heard this phrase, but how do you know if your child is actually “just doing it for attention?” If so, what do you do next?
It makes sense logically, but in real life, here’s why it often fails (there’s a scientific reason behind it!) and what to do instead…
When you’re used to getting a good response but suddenly it stops, what do you do? You try harder!
- When your key doesn’t work in the door, do you give up right away? Nope, you wiggle it and crank it until you get the result you were expecting.
When we ignore our child’s behaviour, what do they do? They TRY HARDER! They pull on our sleeves, they start to shout, they do what it takes to get you to PAY ATTENTION.
This is a predictable pattern in human behaviour, and the graph usually looks like this:
>A super-nerdy graph showing what typically happens when an attention-based behaviour is ignored (or more generally, when a usual source of reward is cut off.)
So, you can see things getting worse, and here’s where the train usually derails in a spectacular way.
Kids are amazing at finding ways to get our attention and keep it. If you try to ignore, but then pay attention when the behaviour gets more intense, what’s he going to do next time? Uh oh, we just made the problem worse.
So, there’s more to this than just ignoring. Let’s dig in some more.
Ok, so how do you actually know WHEN your child is looking for attention? Here’s your first clue- he or she is looking at you. Dead giveaway. Smiling or laughing is also a really good clue. Here are some examples of behaviour that might be related to a desire for attention:
- Running away while giggling
- Throwing food on the floor and then looking right at you
- Running up to you and headbutting you while you are looking at your phone
- Being really really loud, especially if it tends to cause you to look or speak to them
Next question: how do you decide whether or not to pay attention? We’re not robots, and neither are our children. It’s important to be connected to our kids, and to meet their needs.
Here’s what I suggest:
Shine a light on the best behaviour instead
- Make sure you’re giving your best reactions and most intense interactions at any other time. Don’t save your attention for the most difficult behaviour. Give lots of attention to VIRTUALLY ANYTHING ELSE (seriously, it can be as simple as “I’m glad you’re here with me,” or “I like your face.”)
Find a replacement behaviour to teach while you are ignoring the challenging behaviour
- If your child can meet the same need for attention in a more positive way, work on teaching that. You don’t have to completely blank your child, if there’s a way to calmly redirect. If your child is yanking on your sleeve, say “I’d love to talk to you but please tap my shoulder instead.” “I can’t understand you when you’re yelling. Can you tell me with your quiet voice?” Give your child some time to make a choice, and if a) the child has better behaviour in his/her skill set, and b) you politely ignore the inappropriate behaviour, then wait until you can respond to the improved behaviour, so your child can get his/her needs met too.
What happened when I ignored a behaviour that was “just for attention”
A friend of mine heard I was learning about behaviour, so she asked me for help with her 2.5-year-old son (let’s pretend his name was Merlin.) He had developed this habit: a piercing SHRIEK that seemed to be happening randomly. I watched him playing as I sat with his baby brother and yep, it wasn’t long before we heard it. Every time he did it, his startled parents would look over and say “MERLIN! DON’T DO THAT!”
I wondered if I was “just for attention.” I decided to try an experiment. I started ignoring the shrieking to see what would happen.
The parents left the room, and I waited for the next shriek. We played together on the floor with his trains, with his baby brother on my lap. If Merlin shrieked, rather than saying “DON’T DO THAT!” I looked away and was quiet for a few seconds. Five seconds after he had finished shrieking, I made a pleasant remark about whatever non-screamy thing he was doing, like “Wow, cool toys!” or “Hi Merlin!”
I started to see a change in Merlin’s behaviour. Once I started ignoring, the screams got closer together. Then he picked up his train, marched over, and tried to hit his baby brother with it. I blocked the hit with my head turned away, waited for 5 seconds, and then praised him for some other behaviour. That was it. The shrieks stopped. Breakthrough.
When Merlin’s parents came back, the shrieks started up again, but I immediately explained the technique, and the shrieking went back down to zero. The technique was successful, but the escalation was pretty extreme. If I hadn’t had training and experience, and my toddler had come after my baby wielding a train, it would have been much harder to successfully ignore, and things might have gone very differently.
Attention is a wonderful resource! Use it wisely…
If we give attention at the right time, in the right way, we can encourage positive behaviour. We can help our children learn the best ways to get their needs met, and we will see less of that challenging behaviour that’s “just for attention.”
If you’ve tried this strategy, and you want to share, join our Facebook group: On Best Behaviour.