You’re exhausted. You’ve googled every strategy under the sun. You’re losing hope…
I’ve been there. I’ve stood there and felt completely unqualified as a parent, let alone a behaviour consultant. If you’re at the end of your rope, I have something for you to try.
(At the end of your rope? Here, borrow mine!)
It’s not another behaviour strategy (at least, not yet.) It’s just a way to reassess where you are, and figure out where you need to go next. It doesn’t take any special skills, and I will walk you through it.
For this first step, you will need:
- A notebook
- A pen or pencil
STEP 1: Describe
Describe the problem. Usually, people are fed up with behaviours that are happening TOO OFTEN (e.g., interrupting, swearing, teasing, smacking) but you can also write about behaviour you would like to see more of.
Be really specific. Go ahead and use all your favourite WH questions (who, what, when, where… don’t worry about why for now.)
- Avoid general terms like “aggression.”
- Instead, be very descriptive, e.g., “kicking, spitting, throwing items on the floor” or “pushing, hitting the wall, and pinching.”
- Another example of a label that is too general is “bad attitude.”
- Instead, describe what is happening: “says ‘no’ when asked to put shoes on, doesn’t start homework when asked, mimics and mocks little sister.”
Imagine you are writing a movie script. Write what you see. 
You can write it all down afterwards, if your hands are full in the moment, but if it’s possible, write it down as it’s happening.
(Here’s my best advice: you might even notice that it helps to keep you calm and rational to just observe and record what you see. Deal with the behaviour as you would normally deal with it, if you think that will help. If you have no idea what to do, just make sure everyone is safe, then write it down. One more hint: I haven’t found it helpful to mention your note-taking to your children. They sometimes get offended by the idea of being documented, so keep it under your hat for now.)
Sample chart:
| What happened before? | Describe the problem behaviour | What happened right after? |
Step 2: Measure.
If you don’t measure, it’s really hard to see progress. Our memories are cloudy at best, and sometimes we don’t even notice an improvement, because we’re already focused on the next goal or issue.
Measurement is a huge part of Behaviour Analysis, because if a strategy isn’t working, we need to know! If a strategy is working really well, we need to know that too!
I was reminded of this recently when I looked back at a blog post I had written. I was trying to encourage my children to be more agreeable, and stop yelling and protesting so often when asked to follow an instruction. When I read it again, I couldn’t believe how bad it used to be. It seems so much better now, but I don’t have any numbers, so I’m not actually sure. It just feels better, compared to what I saw in that blog post. See the value of measurement?
Here are some things you can measure:
- How long did it last? Jot down the time it started and when it finished—try not to estimate!
- How many times did it happen? If it’s happening too many times to count in a day, then count over a short period, e.g., record for 10 minutes only, at a specific time of day.
- How intense was it? You can make a little rating system for yourself, or just write low/medium/high.
Ok. This is where you start.
Measure the same thing for a few days, and take a look at it. Once you’ve done this, you’ll be ready for Part 2!
If you have questions, jump into our Facebook group and ask them!
As an incentive, I would LOVE to help you set this up.
Inside the Facebook group, I would be happy to send you reminders so you can write down what you observe for a few days, and look for a pattern. I will even GRAPH this for you, seriously. How fun is that? (If you’re not sure how fun that is, exactly, I assure you—it’s so, so rewarding to see your hard work paying off in the form of a visual. You may want to frame it.)
If you want to just keep this in your own notebook, that’s ok too. The most important thing is that you start somewhere. You are gathering information, and you are not giving up!
