We all want our children to be independent and resourceful, but not necessarily 100% of the time. Sometimes they need help with problem-solving. It’s tough when your little DIY-expert resists your best advice and ignores your words of wisdom, preferring to learn from natural consequences (a.k.a. “the hard way.”)
If you wish you could just skip past the inevitable argument but you’d rather not watch your child experience the harmful consequences of their impulses, here’s a technique (a.k.a. cunning plan) you can try:
Asking empowering questions
Here’s an example of a time this weekend when it worked particularly well to boost problem-solving:
5-year-old child: I’m going to bring Boba Fett [heavily-armed Star Wars figurine] to the park!
(In my mind, here’s how the rest of the conversation goes…)
Me, his loving mother: No you’re not.
Him: NOT FAIR!
Me: It’s not a good idea.
Him: BUT I WANT TO!
Me: [various unhelpful grumblings]
Here’s how the conversation went, using empowering questions to encourage problem-solving:
Me: What’s going to happen when your friends sees Boba Fett?
Him: He’s going to try to play with it and shoot me.
Me: Then what will you do?
Him: I’m going to grab it from his hand and go to tell his mother and say “He’s playing a shooting game!”
Me: What will your friend say?
Him: … … … I’m not going to bring Boba Fett to the park.
Me: [huge sigh of relief]
Taking steps toward independent problem-solving
I didn’t have to give a single instruction or argue about how best to solve the problem.
Instead, I used questions to point my learner to the important information, so he could draw his own conclusions. I want him to be able to make good decisions without me around, so he needs some time to practice, and at this age, he needs some support.
I use the Empowering Questions technique all day long (you might even be able to detect them in my blog posts) so this response might not be typical when you first start out.
I’d love to hear your perspective on this! I actually put together a list of other Empowering Questions you can use, for different ages and needs, so if you would like to grab your copy, you can sign up here.
Give it a whirl and share your results in the comment section!
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