Whether it’s in the doctor’s office, in the classroom, around the table at a holiday meal, or even scrolling through Facebook, you’ve probably heard people grumbling about parents who “just need to give stricter consequences” or who have to “toughen up and let their kids learn the hard way” like they did.
If you are struggling to make punishment work for you and you’ve got challenging behaviour happening at home, the answer is ALMOST NEVER “be a harsher parent.” Relieved yet? Good.
I’m Amelia, and I’m a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst. I’ve read the research on punishment, and I understand how it can help, and how it can hurt.
Here’s where I stand.
Punishment isn’t the easy answer, no matter what kind of advice you are getting. If you need a deeper understand of why some punishments fail, how to use punishment responsibly, and what happens when punishment is used the WRONG way, this blog series is for you. If your child has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), there’s even more to say, but I’ve written a separate blog post on that topic.
Listen to me… or else?
No one becomes a parent because they enjoy enforcing time-outs, yelling, or withholding internet privileges. Even so, when a child’s behaviour starts to go in unexpected directions, many parents immediately reach for a consequence, punishment or threat.
Here are some possible reasons why:
We learned it from the way we were treated
- Punishment is a very commonly used behaviour strategy, and most of us experienced it regularly at school and at home. As adults, we continue to react to the threat of punishment everywhere we go, whether it’s avoiding speeding tickets on the road or dodging memos at work.
It seems to make sense to respond to a “crime” with a punishment
- When we are angry or upset, punishment seems like the right thing to do. Research shows that babies as early as eight months old have been observed punishing a “wrong-doer” when given the opportunity.
We want to make a positive difference
- We expect punishment to prevent future misbehaviour. It’s often recommended by therapists, teachers, and family members, so we try to follow their advice.
We just want the behaviour to stop
- Some behaviours are very hard to tolerate and even dangerous for the child or the family. Punishment can seem like the most effective way to get a quick and lasting behaviour change.
What is punishment, exactly?
In everyday language, “punishment” usually refers to an unpleasant imposed consequence or retribution. Punishment at home usually comes in many different categories, such as angry or sad emotional responses (yelling, scolding, crying), penalties (lost privileges, time-outs) or even hands-on (including spanking or grabbing.)
[Side note to clinicians such as psychologists or behaviour analysts who may be reading: Hello there! In a clinical context, I would use the word “punishment” in a slightly different way, meaning any response to a behaviour that causes it to occur less often in the future, but this article is specifically written for parents, so I’m using the word in a more casual way.]
Why not use punishment? Is it because it’s “mean”?
If you’ve ever said “no” to ice cream before dinner, or told your child not to wear sandals in the snow, you have probably been labelled a “meanie.” As a behaviour therapist, I give you my whole-hearted support when it comes to setting limits at the risk of being “mean”, because you’re the grown-up and you usually know best. “Mean” is not the issue here. I’m just asking you to be very mindful about how and when you use punishment, because it’s a strategy that can backfire for both you and your child if it’s used in the wrong way.
Six reasons why you should use punishment with caution
Punishment can be an effective short-term strategy, but it can do much more than just iron out a behavior problem. Punishment also comes with some possible side-effects.
1) Little copycats
“That’s what you get!” When children look at punishment as a form of revenge, they may try to use similar tactics with their friends, pets or even parents when they feel they have been wronged.
2) Avoiding
When children experience punishment, they don’t always make the link between the target behaviour and the consequence. Instead, they form an association between the punishment and the punisher. This can interfere with a warm and caring parent-child relationship, and make it difficult for parents to offer the support their children need.
3) Punishment can be habit-forming
When punishment gets a quick result, parents may start to use it more often. When parents get used to using it, kids get used to dealing with it. The punishment starts to lose its effectiveness over time, so parents make it a little harsher. This pattern can continue until the punishment is at risk of turning into abuse.
4) Selective success
Ever drive above the speed limit? Ever pick your nose? Punishment can be effective in one situation, without carrying over into other important settings. Punishment alone doesn’t teach the “why” and it doesn’t teach what to do instead, so it may only create a change in behaviour when “the punisher” is nearby.
5) Blowback and fallout
Wouldn’t it be nice if children said “You’re right, Mom. I was way out of line. You were right to take away the television. I respect your decision.” In most cases, children react with emotions ranging from “intense annoyance” to “volcanic fury.” Sometimes punishment can trigger even more extreme behaviour, which calls for more punishment, which triggers more difficult behaviour, and so forth.
6) Missing skills stay missing
Often, children misbehave because they are missing a skill. If they don’t know what else to do, or the expectation is too difficult for them, they will continue to run into the same problem and experience the unpleasant consequences over and over again.
“So, I should just ignore it?”
Now that you’ve read this, you might be feeling frustrated and confused. Does this mean we should NEVER impose a punishment? How are we supposed to respond when children behave in ways that are dangerous or offensive?
My intention is to help parents to punish less, not to make them feel terrible. The purpose of this article is to help parents will notice the moments where they are leaning on “punishing” behaviour so they can start to explore other options.
Don’t do that. Do this instead.
In order to make a real change, I can’t just make a list of scary and unpleasant side-effects in hopes that parents will feel worried. I have to try to teach a replacement skill. I have to offer something that works just as well, or even better. I have to help parents learn this new skill, and make sure they see the benefit of using it.
(See what I just did there? Instead of waiting for punishment to make a difference, I gave an example of a replacement skill!)
Here’s another example of a frustrating situation I was invited to help with:
“WHY DOES HE GET TOMATO SOUP? I ASKED FOR TOMATO SOUP!”
A red-faced child slams his fist down on the table.
His parent calmly responds: “Stop yelling at me, or you will have to go to your room.”
“I WILL NOT GO TO MY ROOM! YYYYYYEEEARRGGH!”
“I told you to stop yelling, so now you have to go to your room.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!”
“GO TO YOUR ROOM.”
“NEVER!!!!”
Was the child’s behaviour appropriate? Not at all.
Did the punishment teach him how to cope with disappointment or express frustration? Not at all.
To be fair, the parent was probably quite frustrated with having to deal with an outburst like that over a bowl of tomato soup.
However, this parent knew it was time to do something differently, so she picked up the phone, and called a behaviour therapist. She learned to coach her child through his frustration, so he could start to express his needs without yelling. She also learned to respond to emotional outbursts without triggering a power struggle or issuing an ultimatum.
Alternatives to punishment
What’s the best possible response to challenging behaviour? There is no single solution. The answer depends on your child, and the particular behaviour. Sometimes the best response is to simply stop and think: “Why is this happening? What skills are missing? Is my child reacting to something stressful? What could my child learn to do instead?”
A behavior plan for challenging behaviour could include:
- Analyzing the possible triggers and payoffs that go along with difficult behaviour, e.g., Functional Assessment
- Supporting your child’s emotional awareness, e.g., Emotion Coaching
- Teaching your child to express needs and wants, e.g., Functional Communication Training (FCT)
- Finding a better outlet, e.g., replacement skills
- Teaching and rewarding an alternative behaviour, e.g., Differential Reinforcement
Next steps
If you find that you and your child are stuck in a cycle of challenging behaviour and punishing reactions, help is available. You can always book a free phone call to talk about how I can support your family.
In the meantime, you will find me here on this blog, writing and researching (and painting) about the challenges we face as parents. There’s so much more to say about challenging behaviour, so I’ll be adding more blog posts on the following topics:
- Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and Punishment
- The Unpunishable Child: why do punishments fail?
- Planning Effective Consequences: using punishment wisely
- even more on teaching replacement behaviours, emotion coaching, and functional behaviour assessments…
If you have topics you want to read more about, please leave a comment and let me know!