This is the story of The Binder, which is shared with permission.
At the mention of The Binder, the young man cringed. His mother sat beside him, and her voice was warm and sweet, but there was something about The Binder that sent a ripple of horror across her son’s face.
The mother sighed deeply. In my conversations with the two of them, I could see that they were deeply affectionate, and they shared a dark sense of humour. They loved each other, so why were they troubled?
The answer: nagging. Every day, two kind and loving parents were trying to remind their teenaged sons to complete household tasks and keep up with self-care. However, the young men resisted and ignored, and after a while, the reminders tended to grow into complaints and warnings, then rants and arguments.
The mother had wisely decided that verbal reminders were not helpful, so she used the mighty organizational skills she wielded in her workplace: she carefully created a list all the household tasks, and offered a reward if the kids fulfilled one of the tasks in “the binder” every day in the week.
Unfortunately, the hefty binder did not add peace and harmony to the household. In fact, to her surprise, her sons had run away screaming at the sight of it.
I tried to explain the reason for this, but I wasn’t very poetic in my choice of visuals; “You’re here right now. And you want to get up here,” I ventured. “This jump seems overwhelming. You want to start with little changes.”
The mother lit up. “It’s like the 24-inch box at Crossfit!”
She continued: “When I first started to go to Crossfit, and they showed me the 24-inch box, I was supposed to jump on it, but I couldn’t. I just froze.”
Her son watched with frank admiration as she described her persistence: “They started me on the 12-inch, and I worked my way up. Now the 24-inch box is no problem!” She glowed with pride, and started to smile as she understood what she needed to do to help her sons learn independence. The binder was a giant leap. To help her sons, she would need to first start with something that was in their comfort zone.
Most of our big accomplishments in life are the result of little changes over time. We don’t ask babies to sprint. We don’t ask undergraduates to write textbooks. We take baby steps most of the way.
We perform at our best when it’s not too easy, and it’s not too hard. It has to be just right. After a while, a task gets easier, and we’re ready to take the next step. The trick is to find the right step– big enough to make progress, and small enough to stay comfortable.
Here’s a great example of shaping in action. I have watched this video a dozen times, and I still get a little misty watching the little boy gain confidence and claim his independence. The teacher is using Teaching with Acoustical Guidance (TAGteach) (which I will absolutely be writing more about in the future.)
As you can imagine, any complex athletic feat is learned through shaping. Here are some other behaviour challenges that I’ve addressed using shaping:
- toileting
- conversation skills
- waiting for a turn
- using language to request
- learning to play imaginatively with toys
Whenever you feel you have hit a wall or you are stopped in your tracks by a challenge in life, it’s a good idea to think about shaping. What version of the skill can you already do? What’s the next tiny change you can make?
(If you need some help to apply behaviour science to a challenge, you know where to find me!)