Why do kids do unreasonable things?
Why do everyday situations seem to escalate into unwinnable battles? Do any of these situations seem familiar to you?
Scenario 1:
Adult: “Please hurry up, and we’ll get a cookie when we get to Grandma’s house!”
Child: (ignores parent, continues to dawdle)
Scenario 2:
Adult: “It’s time to brush your teeth, then we can read a story!”
Child: “No! No! No! I will NOT brush my teeth!”
Scenario 3:
Adult: “You can’t play in the sandbox right now, but I’d be happy to play trains with you…”
Child: “Argghhhhhh!!! No trains! I want the saaaaaaaaandbooooooooox!”
What’s going on?
When the usual behaviour techniques suddenly backfire, when you see your child refusing his or her favourite activities, when you see your child backing him or herself into a corner consistently, and everything seems upside down, your child might be expressing a desire for CONTROL.
Kids who are looking for control may…
- Make strict demands and ignore alternatives
- Interrupt frequently, especially when you are talking to a spouse or another adult
- Resist transitions, even if it is an activity they look forward to
- Have difficulty receiving something nice without asking for more
Parents looking to gain control may…
- Use yelling or physical force to prove authority
- Use increasing amounts of punishment
- Attempt to compromise
- Feel defeated and exhausted
The purpose of power struggles
When your child is looking for control, he or she seeking to decide the outcome. He or she is looking to avoid following instructions from others, and is less motivated by the usual set of favourite activities in that moment. Often, this outcome will be the worst possible result for the family and even the person (e.g., late arrival, privileges lost, damaged relationships, time wasted) but in that moment, the desire for control is more powerful than what he or she might choose under normal circumstances.
“Look what I made you do!”
It’s so hard to choose the right move in a power struggle. If you offer an incentive, your child may learn that when he or she refuses, good things appear! If you give a warning or a threat, your child may push you to more extreme measures, just to challenge your ability to control the situation.
A desire for control can be both challenge and a blessing. Some children seem to be born with a set of strong preferences, and a set of lungs to share those notions with us! Children with this powerful temperament may up to be natural leaders, taking initiative, boldly changing the world around them.
As parents, we walk a fine line between encouraging our children’s expression and initiative, and maintaining our role as leaders, teachers, and just adults generally responsible for making life work.
We cannot expect our children to be meek, but we can expect them to grow up to be be more cooperative and reasonable, with the right support.
If you are having too many power struggles, here are some pro-active steps toward restoring the balance:
- Satisfy your child’s desire for control by frequently inviting your child to make choices, and “be in charge of” specific family responsibilities throughout the day.
- Choose which family rules are non-negotiable, and be consistent. When things are calm before a challenging situation, give gentle reminders, and set everyone up for success.
- Specifically teach kids HOW to be cooperative (try this blog post on teaching children to Just Say OK!) Don’t forget to notice and appreciate when children are cooperative and flexible!
When power struggles start to pop up, here are some things to keep in mind in the moment:
- Stay calm (if your child can press your buttons and get a reaction, they may experience this as a form of control.)
- Get comfortable with natural consequences, and let children learn “the hard way” from time to time. This technique should be used with caution and compassion, but some children just learn faster when they can experience life for themselves.
- Offer a choice. A child may refuse a choice to keep control, but this can also be a face-saving way out for both of you.
- Teach negotiation and problem-solving skills! We want our children to be persuasive, while getting their points of view across with respect.
This process takes time, and the conflicts can be draining. Here’s a quick way to help you decide what steps you need to take when you see conflict brewing:
- What are the natural consequences? Am I okay with letting my child experience them? If so, no conflict required.
- Is this rule negotiable? If not, state the rule simply and try to avoid any further discussion or arguing.
- Is this an opportunity to teach negotiation? Is there wiggle room? If so, give your child the words he or she needs to have that discussion, e.g., remind your child to ask “Can I have a few more minutes?” or “Can I have another turn tomorrow?”
What do you find most challenging? Send me a message and let me know, and I will happily write in more detail, or send you some tips on your situation.