There are moments when I feel like a “supermom” but if I’m being really honest, I have to admit that sometimes I feel completely defeated.
I have a feeling I’m not alone in this.
This week, I’m going to be as transparent as possible about my ups and downs, and then try to dig down and see what’s going on at each step. Sometimes I seem to be able to use all kinds of cool behaviour strategies, and sometimes I just cannot even.
I’ve noticed that there are three different stages: Supermom, Struggling Mom, and Despairing Mom. Sometimes I’ll go through this loop a few times in a day, and sometimes it will take a week. There’s definitely a pattern, though. This is what it looks and feels like to be in my brain when I’m in mom-mode.
Stage One: SUPERMOM
Tone of voice: Crazy-cheerful, sometimes with a mix of foreign accents
What Supermom says: I’ve got this! My heart is full of unconditional love, my patience is steely, and my brain is crackling with creative idea. Let’s do this! Yeah! Try this! Prevent that! Check out this wholesome activity! Look, they’re playing nicely together, I’m just sitting here reading a book! Everybody deserves a treat! Let’s celebrate! Woo hoo, bedtime was a dream tonight! Yeah! Thanks, awesome husband! What an amazing team we are! Our family is AMAZING! Our kids are SO LUCKY!
When I asked the kids about Supermom: They reported that Supermom gives very positive feedback, and often distributes treats.
Values and emotions: Supermom is really excited about being super at her job. Supermom values her competence, and looks at her family for proof that she’s doing a great job. Supermom compares her parenting to the way she grew up, and is relieved that her kids seem to have everything they need. Supermom is super optimistic about the future.
When things are going smoothly, Supermom is flying high. Finger guns, high fives, I should write a book. Supermom is also hyper-alert because at any moment, someone could start teasing, refusing, or just fall randomly off a chair. Keep it cool, keep it chill, maybe put on some music? Make it last as long as possible…
Until The Struggle kicks in.
Stage Two: THE STRUGGLE
Tone of voice: Flat, slightly gravelly, cheerful tone of voice fading
What Strugging Mom says: Seriously, this again? Okay, I can handle it. Yep, still handling it. Deep breaths. How long until bedtime? Okay. Just use the strategies you know. This too shall pass. It’s okay. This will all turn out okay. You are doing fine. See that? Hey, that was clever. Okay, you dodged that bullet. Nice one. Wait, is someone crying? Is it my turn to fix that problem? Can I just ignore that? No? First I’ll just grab myself a cookie to steady my nerves. I thought you said you were going out to do errands. Ewww, what’s that smell?
When I asked the kids about Struggling Mom: They had no idea what I was talking about.
Values and emotions: Struggling Mom is often a little distracted. Struggling Mom is trying to notice how everyone is doing, but can’t seem to get her point across to the children, or find quite the right approach. Struggling Mom is feeling a little low on energy, but still in the game. Struggling Mom is not enjoying herself, and questions whether she is doing a great job. Struggling Mom is trying to keep a positive attitude and hopes that her children do not notice that she would rather be reading a book or having a bath.
Some days, Struggling Mom recognizes that something is off, and nudges everything back into place. Who wants to play hide-and-seek? Want me to read you a book? Snack time, anyone? Sometimes, despite her best efforts, things go the other way. If she’s coasting on a few nights of broken sleep, if she has forgotten to eat lunch, or depending on the moon cycle, if her husband is grumbling or her children are persistently ignoring her best advice, there’s the risk of sliding into Stage 3:
Stage Three: DESPAIR
Tone of voice: Unusually loud (uh oh) or unusually quiet (even worse)
What Despairing Mom sounds like: Honey, please. Hands off. That’s enough. That’s ENOUGH. I cannot TOLERATE this. I have ASKED YOU three times. You are not making GOOD CHOICES. We are going to FIX THIS PROBLEM… OK, we are cancelling our plans. We cannot leave this house if you are going to behave this way. I am disappointed. You are OUT OF CHANCES. Yes, I heard you say that. I know. You tell me every day. You’re right. That is NOT HELPING. … I need to go LIE DOWN.
When I asked the kids about Despairing Mom: They painted a very clear picture of a mama with a mean face. When I asked them to explain what Despairing Mom says, one of my children reported that I said “BAD [SON’S NAME].” I asked “Do I really say that?” and he admitted that I don’t, but it was interesting and a little sad to hear that this was the message coming across to him.
Values and emotions: Despair kicks in when things unravel faster than Despairing Mom can knit them back together, or when she loses sight of a win-win situation. Emotional triggers hijack her rational brain. It becomes fight or flight. Part of her says “Go in there and fight! Take control of the situation!” and another part of her says “Aw, you’ll just make it worse. You can’t win this. You suck at this. You should give up.”
To climb out, she first needs to back up, simmer down, and wait for a chance to piece things back together. To look at things from each other’s point of view. To remind herself that in her family, they are all on the same team. To make a plan to avoid those triggers, and figure out what works.
Despairing Mom does eventually remember that life goes on, the sun will shine again, and after some time to lick her wounds, she is ready to try again. Sometimes she returns to the role of Struggling Mom, but often she is so motivated to connect with her kids again and prevent another conflict that Supermom soon reappears comes to the rescue.
I wish I could rewrite my life so that Despairing Mom wouldn’t have a role at all, but that’s not reality. There are going to be challenges that get the better of me sometimes. Fortunately, it’s not about always being that Supermom. It’s also about what we do when things fall apart: how do we put them back together again?
So, I’d love to hear from you! Do you go through the same cycle? Do you have a different pattern? What helps keep you in the sweet spot? What helps you climb out of the pits? Share your experiences in our private Facebook group: On Best Behaviour or send me a message. I want to hear all about your life!