The internet is full of solutions, right? Your neighbour is a fountain of advice. There are books on the shelf full of answers. Magazines are full of relevant articles and big confident headlines.
Why don’t any of those easy solutions seem to apply to your child?
When you have a problem, it’s natural to go searching for answers. We all want to be understood, and to feel like we’re not alone. Unfortunately, here’s what often happens next:
You google a little bit. You consult the experts first, but the answers seem very vague. A blogger shares a strategy that sounds amazing, but she doesn’t seem to agree with what your pediatrician is saying, so you stop and wonder who to trust.
Something tells you to trust your instincts as a mother, but you’re fresh out of ideas, so you work up the courage to post a question or two on a mom’s group on Facebook. You sit back and wait to hear some honest feedback from someone else who has “been there and done that.” You try to write with honesty, but it sinks without a trace, so you add a cute picture to attract more replies. Now the responses start rolling in… half the group sends thoughts, prayers, hugs and wine, while the other half quietly hints that you’ve been doing everything wrong and your child is now scarred for life. Uh oh.
What’s the solution?
I’ll be honest. I don’t have a quick answer for you.
Why not? It’s the same reason that you aren’t seeing what you need in your Facebook group or on a blog. Simply put: your situation is unique. No one has the right to judge you at a glance. Your child is an individual. Your child has a particular history, environment, genetic and cultural background. You and your family have your own story, and your own special set of skills and needs.
You know the WHAT. Why is it so hard to find the WHY?
When you google “tantrum” or “aggression”, you get plenty of results because kids do express themselves that way, but what are they expressing, exactly? What’s behind it? Unfortunately, there’s no decoder ring that matches the behaviour with the problem that’s causing it. A young child who smacks his friends might be saying “I want you to look at me right now!” Another child who hits might have trouble saying “Back off, I need my space.” The behaviour itself doesn’t tell us what he is trying to say.
There’s an answer to your question! It’s just going to take some careful searching to find it. Your answers aren’t waiting “out there.” You will find them as you look carefully at your child, your family, and the paths you have taken to get to this moment.
My job as a behaviour therapist is to look at all those pieces with you, and see how they fit together.
Here’s what I need to know before I can help
Giving advice to a stranger on the internet is like trying to help a lost hiker in the mountains using only a walkie-talkie. If I try to help and say “go east,” you might end up back in the parking lot, or you might walk straight off a cliff. I need to know where you are before we figure out where you need to go next.
As a behaviour therapist, I have to resist the urge to jump into internet conversations or offer casual advice. When I see people struggling, I would absolutely love to help, but it’s just not ethical to offer a treatment plan without hearing the whole picture first. It’s even against my Professional and Ethical Compliance Code as a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst.
Understanding Your Family: Conversations that Matter
When I work with a family, we start with an assessment. We look at where you are now, and where you have been.
No one has the right to judge you or your child, or to offer answers, without knowing the full picture. Behaviour isn’t simple. It’s about more than just the moment, or even the individual. Everything we do is related to our bodies, our environment, and our past. To really understand challenging behaviour, we will talk about your family from three different angles.
1) Your child: What are you seeing right now?
The most natural place to start is with your child.
- What sort of situations are hard for your child?
This is usually what most people share first. It’s important, but it’s just a starting point. Your child is more than just the tough moments. The same goes for a diagnosis like Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD.) To get the full picture, it’s important to describe more about your child’s everyday patterns. Talk about the hard stuff, and the easy stuff too. Talk about what happens before, and what happens afterwards. A diagnosis or an incident alone does not define a person.
Next, we zoom out a little..
2) Caregivers and Other Support: What does the rest of the team look like?
What’s going on in your family and community right now? Each family relationship can make a difference in your child’s life. Some relationships make it harder, others make it easier.
- What do you and your child have in common? How are you two different?
- What about co-parenting? Is there another parent or caregiver in the picture?
- Are there brothers and sisters in the family?
- How do jobs and other family commitments affect your daily life?
- What are things like at school and daycare?
- Are there any big sources of stress in your life?
3) Family histories: What led you here?
When a neighbour or classmate glances at your child, there’s so much they don’t see. Medical, developmental or learning challenges aren’t always obvious. Rowdy behaviour can mask serious eating or sleeping problems. No one sees the therapies you have tried, your pregnancy, the medications, or even your child’s genetic background.
All this information should be included in a good behaviour assessment.
Even parents have histories that matter. Our children arrive into the world brand new, but as parents, we have stories and experiences that make us who we are. The way we see our children often depends on how we were raised, what skills we developed, and the culture we belong to. Your fears, your strengths, your worries, your values, and your goals are shaped by where you have been, and they are all a part of your parenting experience.
One more question…
Why wait another day? If you’re ready to put the pieces together and see the whole picture, it’s time to book a call or video chat, and see how tomorrow could be different.
https://ameliabehaviour.as.me/